Sexy Santa
Studio: Private
Starring: Judith Fox, Tarra White, Kristine, Lis, Virginiee, Angelina Crow, Julia Taylor, Dora Venter, Liz Honey
Verdict: Squirter
Ejacu-rating System (1-Blueballs, 2-Dribbler, 3-Squirter, 4-Lawn Sprinkler, 5-Firehose)
'Tis the Season for Giving And Receiving! Now Unwrap Your Box So I Can Put My Package in It
Ahh, Christmas-themed porno. What better way to celebrate the birth of Christ than with sodomy-filled sexcapades?
Scene 1
Sexy Santa opens with a pair of bikini-clad vixens dashing through the snow on a two-horse (whores?) open sleigh. Shot on location in an actual winter wonderland with the girls being pulled by real Clydesdales, it's an auspicious beginning. And thankfully for us fast-forward-button haters, they get straight to the sex. Outdoor girl-on-girl commences even before the sleigh stops moving, all the while accompanied by jazzy Christmas tunes. Combining soothing music and hot lesbo action, the filmmakers somehow nail comforting and erotic all at once; very impressive.
Virginiee ==>>
Stars Angelina Crow and Virginiee have great chemistry and are both lithe, well-proportioned, brunettes; Eastern European types who look like they could be sisters. They're plenty attractive, but seriously, we could've done without seeing them spit in each others' mouths. In fact, there's altogether too much spitting in this scene. How many people enjoy watching hot chicks hock loogies? Especially if the alternative is watching hot chicks, uh, not hock loogies.
The pair give, receive, and fill each others' asses with dildos while seeming not at all bothered by the cold. There's nothing hotter than chill-constricted nipples. On the other hand, nothing breaks the mood faster than the distinct fart Angelina cuts in the middle of the scene. I mean, authenticity's great and all, but that's what editing's for.
Scene 2
A swarthy, goateed guy with a ponytail is curled up in bed with his wife when he peeks under the covers to find ‒ SURPRISE ‒ a 4th dimension, a supernatural sexual playground where a scantily clad sex kitten in a Santa hat beckons him come hither. With its orchestral swells and other-worldly lighting, it's all very cute, and pretty damned clever as far as porno plot devices go. Think Chronicles of Narnia for adults.
Our greasy protagonist chooses not to wake wifey and makes a beeline for "Narnia" where the smoky-eyed Kristine immediately spits all over his penis. There's even a slow motion spit shot. Now, there are times when a little spit is acceptable. However, when you're spitting on a cock that's going in your mouth anyway, the spit is unnecessary ‒ that's where the spit grows! It's like picking up Starbuck's on your way to Juan Valdez's house. Excess saliva aside, there are enough farting noises to assure us that the one in the first scene wasn't a mistake, as well as some loving closeups of Professor Ponytail sticking his tongue as far as it will go down Kristine's Hershey highway. Perhaps in "Narnia" it actually tastes like chocolate. The footage is top quality, Kristine is near a perfect ten, and our protagonist has a substantial, but not unapproachable member. All things considered though, this scene was obviously meant for assplay fanatics. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Scene 3Our pal from scene 2 meets up with his less greasy-looking friend in a bar and in heavily accented, awkwardly-worded English, he relates his encounter with "Santa" (Kristine). The new guy decides to go looking for "Santa". Yup, this is the part you fast forward. Next, we cut to a cabin where four new Santa hat hotties are holding captive a pair of peeping toms, who are bound and gagged. One of the hotties, Liz Honey, goes to check on them. To "punish" them, she strips down to nothing, and rubs herself all over them before fucking and sucking them one at a time. Man is she hot. Great scene, but like the second, extremely anal-centric and with excessive spitting. And one of the guys has almost no testicles. How do they do that? It's a Christmas miracle!
Scene 4
Some letters arrive at the hotties' cabin, delivered by horse drawn carriage. The girls pull out the first letter, which, when read aloud by Julia Taylor, sounds something like this:
Dear Saunta,
My name eest Sam. I'm tventy one years auld. I am soccer player. I never paid too much attain-tion ont sizes, but ven I'm een da shower wid de other players of my team, I must add-mit dat my painis ees half as much as dere size. I veesh only one thing: I would like to enlarge my painis.
The girls then giggle awhile about guys with disappointingly small penises. But what do they know, they can't even speak English right.
The next letter is from a woman (Judith Fox) whose wish is to have sex with another woman. The letter becomes a dream sequence with Judith and Lis playing out the fantasy. It's another almost disturbingly well-photographed scene starring another pair of near-flawless starlets. Judith's tattooed boy-toy soon joins the party and there's your standard threesome action, as well some hot side-by-side, let's-take-turns anal. The potential grossness factor is much lower in this scene, probably due to reduced spitting and gaping anus closeups. And Lis may be the sexiest one yet ‒ a great scene.
Scene 4.5
The next letter's from a girl who fantasizes about her piano teacher ‒ cue dream sequence!
This one stars Tarra White, another near supermodel-caliber starlet. She and her teacher get it on in another expensive looking set with dramatic, Hollywood-quality lighting and cinematography. She wears a black corset and torn pantyhose while he pounds her ass atop a grand piano. Once again, a scene is undone by excessive saliva and anus shots (and decidedly brownish ones this time ‒ ew). It's hard to believe a movie can have a set this tasteful and sex this gross. It'd be nice if one of these scenes used vaginal sex as more than a ten second aperitif to the anal entrée. Nothing against anal sex, but a movie this ass-obsessed should give you some sort of hint on its packaging.
Scene 5The cabin girls finally decide to untie the dude they bound naked to a tree, who now has an icicle hanging from his dick. Julia Taylor takes him inside and locks him in the sauna while she stands outside its window teasing him. She's beautiful, but seems to think blowing and sticking a dildo between her boobs is a lot hotter than it really is. It's always a shame when filmmakers forget what a vagina's for.
Scene 6
In the grand finale, the girls let their captive out of the sauna and the four of them go to town on him. It would take at least six or seven normal porn flicks to match the hotness level in just this one room. Even the guy strikes a nice balance between sleaziness and androgyny. Problem is, there's so much going on in this scene that the cameraman can't seem to focus on any one thing for more than ten seconds at a time. It's like sensory overload ‒ it's missing that trance-like quality that a good porn flick has and makes you want to pump the camera guy full of Ritalin.
Bottom Line (no pun intended):
With gorgeous models, expensive sets, slow motion shots, an orchestral score, and dozens of separate, painstakingly lit camera angles, this movie is like Citizen Kane for people who like spitting, anal, and ass-to-mouth. For the rest of us, it's kind of gross.
